How to speak for your inner parts and not from them
IFS Concept - Speaking for yourself, not on behalf of others
You've probably experienced this before.
You're about to speak up in a meeting, and suddenly you feel tension rising inside. A voice says,
"Don't mess this up."
Another voice insists, "Say something smart before we move on to something else."
It's one of your protective parts stepping in—trying to shield you from embarrassment, judgment, or shame.
It's doing its best to keep you safe, even if the way it does so sometimes adds pressure or distance.
Neuroscience shows that these reactions originate in the brain's automatic survival circuits.
They are rapid, emotional, and often useful in dangerous situations—but in everyday life, they can also cut us off from ourselves and others.
When we pause and pay attention to what is happening, we activate the integrative systems of the brain—those that support empathy, perspective-taking, and choice.
This is what the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model calls unblending:
taking a slight step back from the emotion so that the Self —that calm, curious, and compassionate inner presence—can resume leadership.
It's not about controlling emotions, but staying connected to what's going on inside— directing, rather than being directed.
A simple 5-step practice
1. Pause and feel what is happening
Take a slow breath.
Observe what you feel in your body: tightness in your chest, a knot in your stomach, heat in your face.
This short pause calms the nervous system and helps you identify the active part.
2. Ask the party what it is seeking to protect.
"What are you afraid of if you don't act this way?"
"What do you want for me—or for the other person?"
. Judgment shuts it down.
3. Recognize your share and discover your role
"I see you. Thank you for being here."
"I imagine you've been doing this for a long time."
"Would you like me to understand what you're going through when this happens?"
Let her show you what she is really looking for—security, respect, connection—rather than guessing.
When she feels understood, space naturally opens up for the Self to guide.
4. Propose an action from the Self
"What can I do now to help you?"
"Would you be okay with me speaking on your behalf?"
Protective parts generally relax when they perceive the presence of the Self—clear, calm, and in control.
5. Stay connected and act consciously
"How do you feel about what I'm proposing?"
"Is that okay with you?"
"I'll keep you in mind as I move forward."
If the other person agrees, proceed slowly.
If they hesitate, remain curious—there may be another part present.
The goal is collaboration, not control.
Concrete examples
For yourself
I notice a part of me that is tense, afraid of saying something wrong. I thank it for wanting to protect me from shame. I take a moment to align myself internally, to listen to what needs to be said, how and when it feels right. Afterwards, I return to that part of myself to see how it feels.
With another person
"Part of me feels defensive, and part of me would like us both to feel heard. Can we take a moment to share what is truly important to each of us?"
These examples show how to stay connected to your inner experience while maintaining an open and humane relationship.
Why it works
This slight shift—from reacting emotionally to speaking for her —allows the brain to reintegrate its emotional and cognitive networks.
We leave instinctive protection behind and enter into a conscious connection.
It's not about self-control.
It's about self-leadership —guiding your inner system with clarity and compassion.
. When we let the Self guide us, we transform.
Want to explore or practice?
If you would like support in applying these steps—in your leadership, relationships, or personal development— please don't hesitate to contact me.
Together, we can help your parts feel heard, so that your Self can guide with clarity and serenity.
